There is nothing worse, in my mind, than a disgruntled spouse. Namely when there is nothing you can do to help them. When the issues are work related and there is nothing you can do but sit there and let them vent. Those are the worst kinds of days. Those are the helpless days and sometimes, the remarkably hopeless days. I hate those kind of days.
I especially hate it when my spouse has one of those days and suddenly hands me everything I want on a silver platter. "Let's quit this job, retire, own a home and be a 'real' family again." Why, sure baby! Just what I've been asking for these last, I don't know, 3 years. I'm totally down with all those plans. Too bad those plans look like they are making my husband miserable. Sigh.
I spent several hours last night talking my husband out of just that. The whole time I'm saying all the things I never thought I would have to say, part of my brain is poking the other part of my brain asking it why the heck it wasn't doing the happy dance??!! Why was I stammering and leaping for something, anything to make my husband convinced that he was still doing a good job, that he was still needed in this Air Force? I've probably lost my mind.
I guess it means I'm married and I actually love the bonehead I'm married to. I hate seeing him so unhappy, so disappointed and so discouraged. I just plain hate it. So even though, I would love to say we're retiring...we're not. All because I opened up my mouth and said no. Sigh.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not any happier to live this kind of life than I was before. I'm not pleased that my husband stumbles out of bed at 3am every morning just to keep up with work, and falls asleep on the couch at 8pm every night (when he is home, that is). I'm not happy that my kids ask where daddy is on important days and just nod and smile when they are told he's helping an Airman. I'm not any happier that my children look as though the world just got handed to them when daddy does show up to things or actually has the energy to play with them. I don't think it should be like this, but I know it is for a purpose.
I have seen the good my husband has done. I have seen the lives he has saved, changed, improved and helped. He is exceptional at his job. It leaves little room for anything else in his life, but I know it is important. Our military, our Airmen, need someone like him to stand up for them when no one else will. I know these things, and I guess that's why I refused the silver platter.
I just hope I don't regret it later.