I will not post this on FB. This is a rant and I fully expect no one to read it. Good Lord, I hope no one reads is.
I am upset. Nope...I'm pissed and I'm not sure who at. I rage at God wanting to know why? Is this a punishment, I'm sure I deserve punishment, but do my children too? Or perhaps having to tell the children is part of my punishment. Is it a test? Well, what the heck am I being testing on?
I can't learn a lesson if I don't know what the lesson is about. I can't improve if I don't know what I'm failing at.
I pray for other people, for other things...for anything that is not connected to my house. Do you know why, because for a year and a half I got no answers. NONE.
Once again, 1st Sgt man has taken over our lives. I literally see my husband for less than 3 hours a day now. And when I do see him there is no interaction...no playful banter, no joy, much less any kind of relations. He's exhausted. Period. End of story. His Airmen own him.
I was ok with that...mostly. I'm not ok with the no sleep thing that he is doing. But otherwise we are so busy at home with school work and chores and my school work and chores, that him not being here was mostly ok.
I just wanted one bloody day off...with no computer, no phone...just us and the kids. And some ass has to decide he wants to tell someone he wants to off himself. I know, that is soo insensitive. How cruel can I be? Very, apparently. Could my husband hand over the case to the guy that was taking over for him for 24 hours. NOOOOO. My husband is much less cruel and far more sensitive than I am.
We were supposed to have a trip...hotel and all. Hotel is paid for...less than 24 hours to cancel...money down the tubes. I can shrug that off...we have done it before. You would think I would learn. I can't shrug off the fact that the kids were stoked. They were excited that they got to have daddy to themselves, and a hotel and White Sands. Too good to be true. Yes, yes it is.
So, the question is...am I to be a bad wife and leave him behind, enjoy the hotel, the sand, the interesting facts we would learn? Or am I to be the bad mother and break ANOTHER promise so that we MIGHT get to stay home and play with daddy? You know, if there are no more calls on the freaking cell phone (I HATE that thing) and if he can actually stay awake and if he can stay off the computer trying to get caught up. IF.
I have decided to be a bad mother. Promises broken...we'll do something else fun. What mom? I have no clue children. Go to the hotel here in town and do the water park thing...no, daddy's too tired for that. Maybe we can go fishing tomorrow...you know like we were supposed to do last weekend and today. If daddy doesn't get a phone call or keel over from exhaustion.
So, God, tell me...what is my lesson? To have more faith? I have faith now to make no plans...that You will call my husband out to help everyone but his family. To serve? Even Jesus had down time. To care more for others than myself? Ok, there we go...the hardest lesson of all. But it backfires...I care about my children and the fact that they know our lives revolve around daddy's crazy, stupid airmen, not around mom, or dad, or even themselves...but constantly at the mercy of a phone call.
I'm tired..and I'm angry...and I'm sad...and I don't want to play any more. What the heck was I thinking when I agreed to 3 more years of this....this. I don't even have a word for it.
I'm just tired.